The Deep Blue

***contains links to images some may find disturbing***

It may come as no surprise to anyone who’s read some of previous witterings on this, that and t’other thing that I have no great liking for whaling…* what with (some) being endangered, one of the smartest of the world’s creatures and generally being majestic and all…** And anybody who saw the unedifying spectacle of the mother and calf Minke whales being hauled from the sea may also be left with some pretty reasonable questions… (see here and here.)

So, whenever we have this annual controversy about the on-going Japanese scientific whaling programme I always find myself asking the self-same questions

Firstly, based on the masses of data that they can only gather from dead whales what conclusions have the Japanese reaches and subsequently published or are about to publish in serious scientific journals?*** Secondly, would they have any particular objections to neutral scientific observers travelling with on the ships, perhaps with a remit to peer review their scientific methodology? Lastly, would they mind if the whale carcases were taken away and used by other scientists for other scientific research purposes? After all, as we’re told these days, ‘if you’ve nothing to hide you’ve nothing to fear’.

Of course, it could be suggested that the international community might like to know more about the whalers themselves… maybe they could indulge in a little ‘scientific research’…

See! I can do short…

*With the clear exception of ‘Aboriginal Subsistence Whaling’.
**In short we must only eat ugly stupid animals!
***Maybe that whales don’t particularly like being killed!

Channel Zero #3

Sorry for not being more exciting recently; I’ve been having to do much human stuff and it saps the time. Rest assured I have not lost any level of grouchiness; I just haven’t gotten round to angrily scratching it down yet! The year’s still young; bile will arrive.

This week presented one of those mildly irritating problems that come from being a servant to cats. The eldest of the creatures required a teeth-clean which involved an anaesthetic and therefore no food for the previous 18 hours… it’s a bit hard to keep one cat unfed while the others demand not to be; post-procedure the groggy moggy couldn’t be let out which provided a second problem- how to keep one cat in when the others are used to free access and one of them point blank refuses to comprehend the concept of a litter tray.

The latter part of the week was marked by a retreat from the internet as it eats time and prevents things being done: the interweb’s as bad as a dictionary or encyclopædia for stealing time, except not nearly so informative; you look up what you want to look up then think that’s interesting and so on and so forth. This hibernation was ended briefly this morning by a local Record Fair; the first of the year. It’s was… disappointing.

As was the last week’s television, the saviour was Monty Don’s Around The World In 80 Gardens while both programmes I was most looking forward to were vandalized for different reasons. Horizon: What On Earth Is Wrong With Gravity? was a fascinating programme ruined by modish, extravagant and ultimately utterly pointless directorial tricks and editorial decisions. It looked rather like a 15-year old Media Studies group were let loose on it. However, I now know some interesting new facts such as that time is not a constant and light doesn’t always travel in straight lines as it is affected by dense gravitational fields… which I presume may mean that light has some sort of quantifiable mass… Andrew Graham-Dixon’s The Art Of Spain was vandalized for completely non-artistic reasons. It was broadcast on BBC4 and, sadly, Digital Freeview is rubbish. The picture broke up on a regular basis until the point where it gave up bothering to come back at all. Analogue never had this much of a problem. So, why are we being saddled with this inadequate system which is so clearly not of broadcast quality? Is it because Blair had a meeting with a media mogul just before his ascent to the Palace of Westminster? Is it because a substandard free system will force people to buy subscription television in order to have trouble-free viewing? You might think that, I couldn’t possibly comment!

Possibly interesting stuff on the telebox for the coming week may include, but not necessarily exclusively, some, none or all of the following… ;-)

Saturday
BBC2: 11.10 pm: Factory: Manchester From Joy Division To Happy Mondays: documentary on Tony Wilson and Factory Records.

BBC2: 12.40am: Dawn Of The Dead: Romero’s classic zombie sequel (if you ignore the stupid custard pie fight); judging by the scheduled length it’s the so-called Director’s Cut.

Sunday
C4: 9.15 pm: Million Dollar Baby: if you haven’t seen it, you really did ought- and ignore all the people who whined about the third act!

C4: 1.35 am: Focus: all I know is it’s based on a novel by Arthur Miller and as he was responsible for Death Of A Salesman it cannot be without some merit or interest.

ITV4: 12.20 am: Sam Peckinpah’s West: Legacy Of A Hollywood Renegade.

Monday
BBC1: 9.00 pm: Life In Cold Blood: Attenborough’s Ninth and Final series. It's David Attenborough, what more need be said?

Tuesday
BBC2: 9.00 pm: Horizon: Is Alcohol Worse Than Ecstasy?

BBC4: 10.30 pm: Storyville: The Polish Ambulance Murders: would appear to be about Polish Paramedics turned latter-day Burke and Hare.

Thursday
BBC1: 9.00 pm: Ashes To Ashes: the week’s big new series.

There’s no getting away from the fact that I’m looking to this with a mix of trepidation and excitement. Life On Mars was brilliant… one of the best television dramas I’d seen in many a year. Then it ended. Before it got stale; before it got annoying and before I wanted to throw the television from the highest turret. So, a new piece from ostensibly the same team following pretty much the same formula should certainly be something worth seeing…

However, there are so many possible pitfalls that it seems a very tricky proposition; a courageous decision to quote Sir Humphrey. The first pitfall, as it is with all sequels, is purely having to live up to the quality, consistency and imagination of the original. Problem two: John Simm’s performance and character were a perfect contrast to Philip Glenister’s Gene Hunt: can Keeley Hawes’ DI Alex Drake match this? The clips shown so far have presumably been unrepresentative and out of context: high drama always looks bizarre and melodramatic taken as clips even if it works well within the programme itself. The next problem as far as I can see is that DI Drake knows the situation and what was the twist of Life On Mars and so does the audience. This seems to remove both a level of intrigue and more importantly a level of jeopardy. We, the audience, know that it’s definitely not real as does Drake; could this cause issues with the suspension of disbelief? As Drake herself understands the situation this could bring in the very real possibility of creating a situation where it becomes overly self-referential, too knowing and bordering on self-parody. There is also an issue of back-story: what does Drake know of Hunt as opposed to that which Hunt knows of himself. Does Hunt have a life outside of the imaginings of Drake or Tyler? As Gene Hunt was such a larger than life character in the original has the temptation to make him either too cuddly or too boorish been resisted? And as he’s now a known creation of Drake does this mean that she will project her own prejudices against his style of policing onto him or will he remain at the same level as for Tyler? There seem endless possibilities for getting tangled in knots over the whole notion of somebody else having the sequel to a different character’s dream sequence! I’m also more than a little curious as to how the whole of Hunt’s team can be shifted to London with adequate explanation excluding recourse to “it’s fantasy” or “it’s in her head so anything can happen”. I really want this to succeed. We’ll see!

On the other hand it’s got ‘that scary clown’ and an Audi Quattro in it, which was my dream car when I was younger, so can’t be all bad. Bizarrely (and somewhat disappointingly) I now find, with help from Top Gear, that the Quattro chucked out less horses than the (rather normal) car I’ve got sitting outside!

My Little Empire

I just had another look at the second from last post and realised how terribly Victorian it all sounded. Like some long dead explorer’s diary entry…

‘…a strange and terrible melancholy has settled over all since we finished the last of Oates for our morning repast. I fear this could take some explaining back in the Mother country. Will have to think of something heroic to put in journal… and something new for the pot…’

So, the melancholy has lifted a touch and so on and so forth. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Time to stop whining.

The good news of the week has been the announcement of the new Bond Title, ‘A Quantum Of Silence’ (for those who live under a rock… on Mars… or just have better things to do). Which must have made everybody smile and scratch their collective heads in equal measure (for more ribaldry see here). And there’s a date posted for Portishead 3 (14-04-08).

The sad news of the week, though, has to be the death of the talented Heath Ledger. While Batman 2 has been filmed and, presumably, will be released on schedule, this does lead to the strong possibility that Terry Gilliam’s film The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus is in jeopardy.

Shiny thing of the week has to be Bjork’s Declare Independence Package. The first physical single from her latest LP. The package bears a striking similarity to a Babushka Doll… I’m not sure I’ve managed to get to the heart of it all yet!

For good or ill, UCT now has a full story which is currently (and hastily) being typed up: whether it’s any good is another matter entirely but it does have some characters and a purpose; and a beginning, a middle and an end which are all probably plus points in the general scheme of things….

…and my Gran found an old photo of my Great-Great-Grandfather taken, we think, in the 1890’s. He looked somewhat like Elgar with an enormous moustache. This sort of thing (direct-ish contact with history) always appeals to me. He worked in a pin-mill apparently (i.e. a mill that made steel pins of various sizes from lengths of steel wire).

Channel Zero #2

Top TV of the week had to be the Oscar-nominated documentary: True Stories: No End In Sight (which I’d completely failed to notice was on until the last minute). A searing yet level-headed insight into the build-up, execution and aftermath of the second Iraq War and an examination of the key mistakes that were made. This was everything that Fahrenheit 9/11 wasn’t (and could never be): incisive, intelligent, accurate and packed with interviews with people who actually had an inside track during this period (such as Jay Garner, Barbara Bodine, Richard Armitage). Sadly, next to no-one will have seen it because of the absence of show-boating, self-aggrandisement, cynical stunts and crass humour.

Also very involving was Cutting Edge: A Boy Named Alex which I hadn’t intended to watch. A moving and uplifting documentary about a severely ill boy, suffering with Cystic Fibrosis, as he rehearses his School Choir and Orchestra in preparation for a performance of Bach’s Magnificat. When you see people like this it really does make you re-consider how much you yourself whine about very minor problems and throws the problems of some so-called celebrities into sharp relief… fame may be hard but, hey, on the other hand at least you’re not coughing up blood on a regular basis! (Repeated: Tuesday, C4: 11.05 pm)

Embarrassingly, I haven’t had a chance to fling in tape of the much-anticipated Torchwood episode yet. Ooops!

Incidentally, last week I mentioned that the under-utilized Gillian Kearney was now in Casualty; well, after other recent psychic successes I am pleased to announce that she will be guesting in Primeval on Saturday night. I am clearly responsible for this via last week’s post: that’s right, they wrote, cast, filmed, edited and scheduled this programme in a single week. And in no way was this a coincidence. Nope, not at all.

Now, I don’t know whether this was any use to man nor beast last week but if it was I’ll do it again this week. So. There.

Far flung television which has caught the eye for the coming week includes:

Saturday
BBC2: 8.10 pm: Timewatch: The Pharaoh’s Lost City: documentary about the life and times of the fascinating ‘Rebel Pharaoh’ Akhenaten.

C4: 2.30 am: The Eye: excellent Thai horror.

BBC2: 3.10 am: Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner: acclaimed film clearly scheduled for insomniacs and people who understand their VCR timer.

Sunday
BBC2: 10.00 pm: Storyville: Jonestown: The World’s Biggest Mass Suicide.

C4: 2.30 am: Exodus: a contemporary retelling of the Old Testament story. A truly terrible piece of ‘prestige drama’; its heart was clearly in the right place but the execution is so clumsy, especially when you consider the racial and political subtext, as to make the piece borderline offensive. It is, however, something that should be seen once.

BBC4: 7.40 pm: Primo: Repeat of the filmed National Theatre Production starring Anthony Sher as Primo Levi.

Monday
C4: 8.00 pm: Dispatches: Why Kids Kill.

Tuesday
BBC2: 9.00 pm: Horizon: What On Earth Is Wrong With Gravity? Documentary on ‘the true nature of gravity’ by Dr. Brian Cox who would appear to be the scientist who provides the commentary on the copy of Danny Boyle’s Sunshine that I just bought… and if he’s good enough for Danny Boyle, he’s good enough for me!

BBC4: 10.30 pm: Storyville: The Devil Came On Horseback: about one man’s struggle to alert the world to the Darfur genocide.

Wednesday
C4: 1.45 pm: Blithe Spirit: David Lean directed it, Noel Coward wrote, Rex Harrison starred… what’s not to enjoy?

Thursday
BBC4: 9.00 pm: The Art Of Spain: Andrew Graham-Dixon starts a three part series on… the art of Spain…

Vienna

Vienna, 1981. Directed by Russell Mulcahy.

…a strange melancholy seemed to descend upon me over the last weekend and has not yet lifted. Maybe it’s the time of year… I don’t know. However, I’ve been trying to catch up with all your blog-posting that I’ve been missing over the last couple of weeks and you’re all so disturbed insane eccentric amusing that it’s been a pleasure and perked me up somewhat. But I thought I’d foist some of my melancholy onto you. Like a cold. Aren’t you lucky?

I suspect I’ve been thinking of the past and future just a little bit too much of late. I’ll not bore you with the details; so, broadly, I’ve been thinking on the funerals I’ve been to over the years… when it hit twenty I stopped counting and then started running through the people and all the things you should have said, all the things you shouldn’t and all the things that can now never be. These kinds of days always remind me of the Ancient Mariner’s lament. On top of this I’ve been thinking on the Screenwriter’s Festival; to go or not to go…

Vienna has been running through my head for the last couple of days… I’d completely forgotten about it and, despite having loved the song for many years, I’ve not got a copy*. It was always around when I was younger and I can’t believe how long ago it actually was. Of course, back then I didn’t realise where the image system and reference points came from… turns out to be all the films I’ve watched since! Strangely, while the song itself is inspired by the brilliant The Third Man** (1949, Carol Reed; Sp: Graham Greene) the promo itself, I think, reminds me far more of a great Burt Lancaster film, The Killers** (1946, Robert Siodmak; Sp: Anthony Veiller, Richard Brooks, John Huston)... but I’d have to check. I was staggered to find that the promo was directed by Russell Mulcahy. It's become very easy to mock 80's things but how much of current popular culture will look patently absurd in twenty years…

*I’ve just realised- I think I was invaded by the trailers for Ashes To Ashes…
**Despite all evidence to the contrary, I do actually like some films… both of these are brilliant: The Third Man being one of the greatest films ever made and if you don’t agree may all your toast burn ever so slightly for the next seven days!

Channel Zero

As I’m really quite nice, underneath, and I haven’t done much for you recently, I thought I’d point you in the direction of some television you might have otherwise not noticed and, if this is of any use to anybody, I might do it again… let me know in the traditional manner… self-addressed bricks through the windows…

Saturday
BBC1: 8.30 pm: Casualty: I wouldn’t usually mention Casualty but tonight sees the debut of a new character and aptly illustrates a particular bugbear of mine. The new character is played by Gillian Kearney, representative of those genuinely talented actors who are inexplicably and utterly under-utilized by the tele-bods. Take the Blue Murder Pilot: it became quite abundantly clear that Caroline Quentin, while carrying the whole show, is not the best actress in the world and, as if to illustrate the point, they surrounded her with superior actors… while Kearney was relegated to guest suspect… staggering!

Channel 4: 12.50am: The Man Who Wasn’t There: possibly the best of the Coen Brothers’ canon. Still very cold and soulless though. Superb photography.

BBC4: 10.55pm: Bad Education: Not the best of Almodovar but B-Grade Almodovar is still far better than most people’s A-Grade work.

Sunday
BBC1: 9.00pm: Messiah: Part 1 (Part 2 on Monday): Will probably be deeply unpleasantly and thoroughly watchable.

BBC1: 11.10pm: The Whistle Blower: Michael Caine ‘sort of spy film’. I really liked it but very few people seem have actually seen or even heard of it. Shot just down the road from me…

ITV: 10.40pm: South Bank Show: Tim Burton. Nothing else to say.

Monday
Channel 5: 3.20pm: Three Days Of A Condor: Sydney Pollack’s brilliant conspiracy thriller being shown at a really stupid time of day… it will be cut for it’s sex scene and violence but as it is still unreleased on disc or tape in the UK, if you haven’t caught it before, is probably worth setting a VCR for…

Channel 4: 8.00pm: Dispatches: The Court Of Ken.

BBC2: 11.20pm: Atom Part 1: I’ve heard this is excellent and very accessible to the lay person. And I’m sure it was praised here but I can’t find the post which makes me the kind of ignorant lay person it’s aimed at!

Wednesday
BBC2: 9.00pm: Torchwood: Something you’ve probably already heard about… written by some bloke called James Moran…

I’ll certainly be watching but I have a small confession about Torchwood: I’m not a big fan. I watched a couple of episodes from the first series and, combined with the concomitant episodes of Doctor Who, I can only say that I just can’t take Captain Jack Harkness seriously… I keep expecting him to break into a chorus of ‘When You’re A Jet’! I just find him a bit too shiny, a bit too pretty and he just doesn’t feel particularly heroic- more a poseur. I’ve met military and ex-military people and one of them he is not. If you dress someone military, they should act military but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have to be über-macho: but seriously, compare Harkness with David Niven in A Matter Of Life And Death. Everything else about the programme is fine... However, I’m sure that this particular episode is utterly wonderful, lovely and beautifully written! Watch it!

More4: 10.35pm: 9/11: The Falling Man: Yes, it’s a repeat but one that can certainly bear a repeat viewing. It’s a long, emotional an quite draining documentary that’s technically an attempt to identify the ‘falling man’ of the iconic 9/11 photo but it’s just as much an examination of the cost of the tragedy to the victim’s families and a look into the redefinition of what was acceptable in the media in relationship to the event through the fate of the photograph itself.

Thursday
BBC2: 11.20pm: Louis Theroux: Behind Bars: if you missed last Sunday this is well worth catching… Theroux manages to completely tone down his faux naïve thing and come up with something somewhat different in a look behind the bars of San Quentin prison.

Friday
BBC4: 11.30: A Hard Day’s Night: Classic Beatles musical comedy directed by the seriously under-rated Richard Lester…

Song Of A Wayfarer

“Home again, home again, jigitty jig, good evening JP.”

…was what I was singularly not welcomed back with… the one cat looked at me accusingly and the others just said ‘meh’ and went back to sleep… pragmatic things, cats, they care not who serves them as long as the quality of the service remains undiminished…

Of course, I completely neglected to mention I was going anywhere, didn’t I? I am a very person and shall pay someone to spank me later: did I say that out-loud? So, effectively I disappeared off the face of the earth for a while longer… in my defence, the trip did come upon me with something of a hurry. I went ‘Oop North’ for a week. ‘Oop North’ is like the West Country except colder, wetter and lumpier. And by God was it wet. Very wet. And at least it wasn’t that London… which is like nothing on earth and more akin to that which was thought under it: it’s loud, noisome, claustrophobic, dirty, too light at night and just too full of damn people who move too damn fast… often with your cash and cards… or with the blood-smeared knife they’ve just stabbed you with. No offence to all them lovely Londoners out there but how do you cope with it? My money’s on drinking. Anyway, you may just have guessed I’m not a big city sort of person. Except Leeds. Leeds is alright. To visit…

Right, so, my trip was a resounding success for a multitude of reasons. I have come to the conclusion that I have access to that most elusive and desired of things, that which I believe to be called ‘the writer buddy’. Then I journeyed further North, through the ice-fields and snow-storms, battling polar bears and militant penguins, to the city known only as Leeds where I caught up with some old (and hardy) friends. Also did some shopping aided by finding a shop closing down and selling off Tartan DVDs at two pound a time.

The most important part of the trip, however, was the discussion of UCT which, as I have expanded upon previously, has been languishing somewhat due to a lack of a sufficient ending. So, I had a decent conversation about the piece and suddenly things started to fall together mentally and, during a late night showing of Cape Fear, I worked up the day’s thoughts into a fair schematic of the ending. It’s not perfect by a long shot but is an ending; reasonably nifty and gives the rest of the story something to work towards and to which be tailored. On presentation of this to writer-munki it received a seal of approval and means I can now go full steam ahead… of course, he may just have been saying that to get me to never speak of this matter again. My other concerns are now taken up with whether the rest of the piece is too obvious (I can’t tell because I know how the story ends) and by the lack of a ticking clock. Ticking clocks aren’t essential but are recommended and create artificial tension where none otherwise exists.

I did a double bill in the main Leeds fleapit*: this is noteworthy as I tend not to go to cinemas as it means, firstly, expense; secondly, communing with humans, which gives me the heebie-jeebies and, lastly, means lurking in a darkened room for two hours with humans, any one of whom may well be heavily armed…** The films viewed were I Am Legend (2007, Francis Lawrence; SP, Mark Protosevich, Akiva Goldsman) and Enchanted (2007, Kevin Lima; SP, Bill Kelly). The former is a fine film- one of those ‘don’t mention the vampire’ stories that I think must have started with Channel 4’s excellent 1998 series Ultraviolet. Exciting, good jump moments, the always entertaining Will Smith, vampires, suspense: a thoroughly enjoyable film. Also worth mentioning, which has probably been mentioned ad nauseam in serious film magazines is the intriguing politico-religious subtext (not so sub- in some places). Ground Zero is mentioned at least three times, for example, and, while this term existed pre-9/11, the current connotations of the term can only draw the mind to the War Against Terror connexion. The continual battening down of hatches and pulling down of shutters; the withdrawal from the world: all these lead to a clear post-9/11, W.A.T. reading of the film… the nearest and clearest antecedent to I Am Legend seemed to me less The Omega Man and more The Village. If this is how Americans are currently feeling then it is concerning as, while I may not approve of everything the US does globally, I do know that this world more needs a co-operative, interacting and friendly US than not. And anyway all the Americans I’ve ever met have been thoroughly nice, decent and generous people: admittedly all these have passports and leave the country and are not those who stoned the Top Gear team! Personally, I’ve never been a big admirer of The Omega Man (1971, Boris Sagal; SP, John William Corrington, Joyce Hopper Corrington); it seems too ‘easy’ a film; too glib and just too ‘Hestony’. My real surprise came a couple of years back upon finding a copy of The Last Man On Earth (1964, Ubaldo Ragona; SP, William F. Leicester, Richard Matheson, Furio M. Monetti, Ubaldo Ragona) with Vincent Price; Price succeeds in curing the ham, the sparse setting and black and white photography producing a genuinely bleak and eerie feel which is entirely missing in The Omega Man and, to a lesser extent, I Am Legend. I would still adduce by dint of acting, direction, production values (etc.) that I Am Legend is by far the superior version, but assert that The Last Man On Earth should not be overlooked- and it does have the imprimatur of the original author. I am told by the chap I saw the Will Smith version with that the new film’s ending is completely different to the novel and inverts, changes and ultimately loses the essential point of the book. I wouldn’t know…

Enchanted, the second in the double bill, was something of a contrast… and I don’t care what mirth this choice provokes! It was that or The Kite Runner but at 11pm on a Saturday night 3 hours or Afghan misery isn’t high up the list of things you might be wanting to watch. There’s less to say about it apart from that it’s fun, enjoyable, doesn’t take itself too seriously and forced me to exit the cinema smiling… but that may also have been relief that I hadn’t been brutally stabbed in the dark!

So, after seven hundred miles of driving, the shocking discovery that if I empty the petrol tank and have to refill it this now costs over sixty quid… and to any curious Americans who’ve stumbled their way here that would be one hundred and twenty of your shiney dollars whereas the equivalent petrol at US pumps would probably have cost me about five dollars... or something... but I now have a bag of very cheap DVDs of probably very good films and an ending to UCT! So, all in all... a pretty good trip...

On coming home I discovered that now, not only does Gordon Brown want to know everything about you during life, he now wants possession of your body after death… his plan sounds good in theory but consider the implications: the State will own you for spare parts- like buying a second vintage car for parts. And they can now use pretty much anything: when you die you’ll need not so much a large coffin as a small Tesco carrier bag. But how long will it be before the State asserts ownership over you during your lifetime: claiming a lung, a kidney, a chunk of liver or a few pints of claret as and when required? Oh, and now we’re going to be force-fed cloned animals…

…but on the plus side a small herd of rare (and cheap eBay) vampire films had arrived for me when I got back… which was nice.

…and I brought the wet weather back with me… which wasn’t. We’re now facing Flood II: The Sequel. What fun. Don’t tell anyone I’m to blame… I do so hate it when the villagers hove into view with their pitchforks and torches…

*It’s not actually very fleapit-ish… it’s highly swanky and comfortable.
**I saw that documentary called The ABC Murders…