"Art is not a mirror with which to reflect the world; it is a hammer with which to shape it"

Sunday, 4 November 2007

Darling, You’re Meme

…word has reached my mountain lair that I have been ‘memed’. This means I have inveigled my way into being accepted… and thus the first stage of my plan for ‘total global domination within the next five years’ is now complete! Mwahahahaha! Until I reveal the list… then you’ll all just laugh at me! Actually, this turned out to be far harder than I thought it would as I realised I considered what I thought I was proud of deeply lame! So, here, in no particular order, are ‘five things about myself that other people may consider lame, but this writer is secretly proud of’.

I have never willingly taken illegal drugs. Why does this make me lame? Because I kind of assume that pretty much everybody else nowadays is regularly getting off their faces!* Because of this I have been able to reach the following conclusion...

I have never understood fashion. For example, why would I need a new pair of jeans with a different fit just because some gonk on a magazine thinks I do? My old jeans work fine- battered but comfortable, why buy new while they're still functional?

This applies to things thrown up by technology. Facespace? Mybook? Friends Dehumidified? Not a clue! I got my first CD player in 1993 (so I could listen to the Under The Gun and Tower of Strength CD singles amongst other things). It sounded great in ’93. It sounds great in ’07. Why would I need to upgrade? I don’t own an iPod; I will never own an iPod… I want to be aware of my surroundings. Then there are computer games: I played one in the 80’s then once again maybe a year ago. What on earth is so endlessly fascinating?**

However, I do have a mobile phone… it has a dial^. And if I was a complete Luddite you’d be reading this when the carrier pigeon knocked on your door. Fashion: an excuse to try and sell me things I neither want nor need just to keep the economy growing. Not being interested in any of this fashion stuff frees up a lot of time for other far more useful things like...

I have catalogued all my Vinyl & CDs and all my Videos & DVDs. Really. Lame. Until you consider the numbers involved. I don’t have a deep desire to start duplicating things just to avoid appearing geeky! Everything is then sub-divided and cross-referenced just to increase the lameness of the whole endeavour. On the other hand, the setting up of these lists was how I taught myself to type without looking at the keyboard. Which I’m also quite proud of… even if I can only do it on a flat laptop-style keyboard! This has no bearing on the fact that...

I seem to prefer the company of cats to humans. They’re self-contained, can be self-sufficient, they’re smarter, friendlier, more honest, less greedy, better conversationalists, don’t get drunk and keep themselves cleaner… albeit in the most disgusting of ways. Of course, this excludes all members of the Scribosphere, family members and potential employers who are all wonderful, wonderful people. I’m backing the ‘opposable thumbs for cats’ campaign! When we recognize their place as our Overlords the world will finally be set to rights! I have never catalogued my mogs but they do help with the fact that...

I believe in Ghosts. Not the nice Hippy-New Age kind that come with crystals and chanting and then do the dusting with the corners of their sheets. Oh no. These are the type that cause cats to stare into space and hiss. These are the evil spirits that throw crockery, poke you in the eye and hide the teabags (could there be a greater Evil than that?). However, I'm safer than the rest of you because I know they're out to get us. Thankfully, they won't sneak up on me because...

I never switch off. My brain is continually fizzes. Everything is there to be learned from or studied. Films, TV, magazines, books, CD’s, CD booklets, the internet, watching people… thoughts and ideas explode every second and every single one must be written down. This means I never need to take drugs...

I must sound suitably lame by now? Did I pass the audition? Of course, nothing I do is actually lame… everybody who doesn’t do what I do is! Isn't it the truth that one man's meat is another man's poison. It should also be noted that most of the music I have collected could well be considered ‘lame’…

…I shall put the mark of the meme upon…. Valentine Suicide, Rob, MJ, Tom and the person who keeps arriving here via this search or alternatively Andy

*I chose those opening words very carefully because about 20 years ago I was ONCE givena mug of hot chocolate spiked with a well-known resin by a ‘friend’ for ‘fun’. It was all a waste of time as I’d already drunk the best part of a bottle of Smirnoff. I just fell asleep. The 'friend' soon became an ‘ex-friend’ and I never felt a need to try it again. I also recently discovered the painkillers I was prescribed for my dislocated knee a decade or so ago were Class B but that was all legit as there was a prescription.

**Is this Halo 3 thing that everybody mentions a computer game of some kind?

^That’s a lie… it’s just two tin cans on a line of string!

6 comments:

Valentine Suicide said...

Not lame.
Not willingly taking illegal drugs is something to be rather proud of these days. I have taken rather a lot of illegal drugs over the years, (although not in the last 10). All it did was opened up some doors in my mind, that I would rather have stayed shut.

I'm with you on fashion. I'm ashamed because Mrs Suicide buys nearly all my clothes to keep me presentable.

I love gadgets, with the exception of mobile phones. I would not carry a phone if my work did not dictate that I should and provide one for me.

I don't catalogue anything. I don't know where anything is..

I'm adverse to humans in many ways and keep them at arms length where possible. There are exceptions, Mrs Suicide obviously, and my kayaking group.

I'm sceptical to the existence of ghosts, ufos and other supernatural phenomena. I've never seen anything to convince me. I need proof. Also I can't see myself agreeing with Derek Acorah on ANYTHING.

Thanks for the meme, I got tagged some time ago. You can read my (much lamer) facts here.

Lucy said...

"They’re self-contained, can be self-sufficient, they’re smarter, friendlier, more honest, less greedy, better conversationalists, don’t get drunk and keep themselves cleaner… albeit in the most disgusting of ways."

You've clearly never met my cats. The little hellraisers.

Tom said...

I concur with Mr Suicide - willingly taking illegal drugs is quite lame and not something to be proud of. (But still, je ne regrete rien or something.)

Meme challenge accepted by the way.

Jon Peacey said...

Apologies for the delay in contact... eyes playing up a bit!

One of the biggest troubles of being drug-free is that it's left me feeling rather left out in some people's company. Ironically, many of these people believe in near-limitless freedom and yet some feel that you shouldn't have the right to refuse! Odd.

The opening doors thing has been one of the big reasons for avoidance: I've spent years trying to close some of these to have them crowbarred open! You don't get this buttoned-down and uptight by accident.

One of the trouble with gadgets,for me, is simply that so many of them seem so thoroughly pointless... mobile phone TV with a screen so small it could be covered with an address label.

I catalogue things BECAUSE I don't know where some things are... I just check the list and if it's there I assume I have it and if it's not I assume I don't. Of course, there are mistakes and at the moment I am absolutely sure I have a copy of Karloff in Black Friday but it's not on the list so presumably I don't... and the film that I recently watched that I thought was it is in fact something else entirely... or even a figment of my imagination!

I'm pretty certain that there is something paranormal floating around out there. I'm pretty sure I've had proof. However, I remain suitably sceptical about most things I'm told because there's a hell of a lot of charlatans out there.

This meme has apparently been doing the rounds for quite some time: that's writer's for you always surfing the zeitgeist!

Lucy- as for the cats. My terrible trio are all little hellraisers but it's an act I tell you. All an act! When you go into a room and they've congregated in conference and all turn to look accusingly over their shoulders at you... well, you know they're plotting. So maybe not as honest as I claimed!!!

Far away said...

truly lame

Jon Peacey said...

...any particular part or a sort of more generalized lamess? I needs to know... I'm lame, don't you know! ;-)