"Art is not a mirror with which to reflect the world; it is a hammer with which to shape it"

Sunday 6 January 2008

New Year’s D’oh!

…yawn…

…stretch…

…is it 2008 already?

…I seem to have slept for the last week. One too many relatives: I’ll not eat another one. After this ‘holiday’ season I need a vacation.

Well, first thing’s first: a happy new year to all you lovely people! And may all your (legal) hopes and desires be fulfilled this year!

I haven’t had much time to think any randomized musings to post… so I thought, ‘what about telling you some New Year’s Resolutions that I’ve made up’. But I don’t… so I can’t… and I won’t. I’m singularly lacking the resolve for such things.

Right so, what I’m going to attempt in the near future:

  • Utilize the most excellent script notes from Mistress Lucy’s House of Correction*. Well, those I definitely agree with! That should keep me out of mischief for a while.
  • Finish the first of two treatment story things…
  • Finish the second of two treatment story things…
  • Write a couple of scripts from them… cunning, huh?
  • Become the first person in the history of Oscar to win for an unproduced script: if I don’t win this year I’m going to give up writing…
  • Finally quit watching TV… I actually think this every year but ‘they’ just keep making it increasingly likely!
  • Make loads of money: unfortunately this means giving up proper scriptwriting and becoming an odious slimy porn baron: how hard can it be (oo-er) to write ‘I’m here to fix the heating’… ‘Ooh, that’s a massive tool’… ‘It’s so hot in here I’ll just have to take all my clothes off’… ‘Nice moustache’… and most erotic of all ‘8 litre quad-turbocharged W16 throwing out 987 horses with a top speed of 253 mph and a 0-60 of 2.46 seconds’… started to drift there…
  • ...and, of course, I will continue to obey the every whim of the Kitty Overlords...


And a big thank you to Tom for his invaluable advice to this computer illiterate…

By the way, in answer to my recent request for world-peace via the medium of Nicola Bryant, the Beeb showed Blackadder’s Christmas Carol. My mighty bloginess has the power to change things: it will cause nations to tremble! Or am I being hopelessly over-optimistic? Anyway, in this Cassandra-like spirit I shall make some predictions for the coming year…

  • There will be more soap operas…
  • Their makers will end the pretence of bringing back previously definitively dead characters with ludicrous excuses and a character will return as a bona fide zombie: nobody will notice.
  • Serious drama will become ‘just a shining artefact of the past’.
  • Andrew Davies will continue to craft fine adaptations; he will take out a copyright on the classic adaptations genre: all will start with an entirely gratuitous sex scene and focus on nubile young women… 71 year old Davies will increasingly seem a D.O.M. (apologies to Dom).
  • Catherine Tate, Little Britain and Jam & Jerusalem will continue to be entirely inexplicable.
  • Richard Curtis will continue to be a nice chap who writes enjoyable stuff and yet everyone will continue to deride him…
  • British cinema will still struggle to break free of its conventions: films that tick all the right boxes; films that tick all the wrong boxes; films in period costume and rom-coms and dramas set in Islington (or similar) which are completely out of touch…
  • Jeremy Kyle won’t do the decent thing…
  • Sadly, neither will The Sisters Of Mercy…

The Year may play out as follows... but probably won't!

  • In January, a critic will finally dare to pipe up that, especially with its new 16 episode series, Shameless is actually just Eastenders with swearing.
  • In February, I will fail in my bid to become the first person to win an Oscar for an unproduced screenplay. My failure to give up writing will cause a queue to form at Beachy Head
  • In March, a new Poliakoff drama series will be blamed for a nationwide out break of narcolepsy… later NICE will approve its use as an insomnia cure.
  • In April, Big Brother will begin… this time it will never end
  • From May, all the channels on Freeview will continue to change number or completely disappear with a newfound intensity: the first major change will be when all the numbers will be reversed: 23 will become 32, 24 will become 42, etc.; later changes will include moving all the numbers up one place every time there’s an ‘A’ in the month; Channel 12 will start broadcasting every alternate week… This will not make any real difference to anyone** as Freeview is still not broadcast quality.
  • In June, Russell Brand will jokingly tell people to jump off a bridge: thousands will…
  • In July, Simon Cowell will be extradited to The Hague while…
  • In August, the opening ceremony of the 2008 Games will climax with a mass execution of political dissidents (including bloggers), the ritual slaughter of the final Yangtze River Dolphin, the beating of some Tibetans and a cheque being handed directly to the Janjaweed; smog will render many events invisible but still they will be declared ‘the best Games ever’…
  • In September, a 3 hour film will be released that features 2 people sitting near motionless, about to talk to each other but never quite manage it… As an Ang Lee film critics will rave: the same would be true if it had been Wes Anderson, Todd Haynes, Alexander Payne and a whole herd of others…
  • In October, the US Presidential elections will be cancelled; all pretence will cease and Rupert Murdoch will be crowned King of America…
  • In November, an increasingly uncertain Gordon Brown will crack and also hand over power…
  • In December, the return of Nicola Bryant to TV will herald outbreaks of world peace

And finally, I will continue to be nice to everyone…

There’s probably a whole host of other things that I’ve managed to forget… but there's another 12 months to grouse about them.

*That's going to be fun to watch on the search engine results.
**Except those whose analogue signal has been turned off…

4 comments:

Chip Smith said...

Glad to see you back amongst the land of the living, Jon, and thanks for the 'tip of the hat'.

My prediction for the year ahead is that the BBC will deliver a truck stuffed with cash to the home of Stephen Poliakoff, thereby enabling the great man to build his own enormous mansion in which to film his 'kwality' dramas ;-) Hey, it could happen...

Elinor said...

Happy New Year, Jon.

potdoll said...

Happy New Year Jon!

Jason Arnopp said...

Happy new year, sir! And I share your enthusiasm for Nicola Bryant in general. I dare say Piers will be along in a minute to join me in stooping slightly and rubbing my upper thighs.

I mean, he'll rub his own thighs, as opposed to... ah, fuhgeddaboudit.